Physical Intimacy FAQ
Want to explore more on your own before or while engaging in sex therapy? Click here for suggested readings.

What is the normal sexual frequency for couples?
Is spontaneous sex the only really good sex?
How can I be a good lover?
Why do I lack desire (female)?
Why do I lack desire (male)?
My wife used to be easily aroused; now she is not? Is something wrong?
How do I know if I have experienced orgasm?
What is premature ejaculation? Can anything be done?
What is delayed ejaculation? Can anything be done?
It hurts when I have sex? Is that normal?
Are there any sexual practices that are biblically not okay?
What are acceptable sexual practices according to the Bible?
What about oral sex?
Is masturbation acceptable?
What about anal sex?
Is it okay to use sexual toys?
What about pornography?


What is the normal sexual frequency for couples?
Each couple must discuss what works for them. Making love is an intimate connection. It does not necessary include intercourse, but it is a playful companionship to give and receive physical pleasure.

I like what Bill Cutrer and Sandra Glahn say in their book Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, (Kregel Publications, 2001). When a person asks one of them "How often is OK?" the response is, "How often do you grocery shop?" It is hard, if not impossible to define "normal" when one couple mutually chooses to engage in sexual activity daily and another chooses to have sex on special occasions. There are even happily married couples that never have sex. Cutrer and Glahn report that statistical averages might be summed up as progressing from "tri-weekly" to "try weekly" to "try weakly."

Is spontaneous sex the only really good sex?
If sex must be spontaneous to be good, there is relatively little good sex happening. We live in a very busy culture and mates 'feeling' equally passionate at the same time has the same odds as winning the lottery. Maybe early in the relationship this was the case, but it does not tend to be true for long term relationships. Lovemaking is more than going for a 'buzz.' It is blocking out the world and all its' stressors. It is totally focusing on your mate in your own magic bubble. Later there will be time to worry, disagree, perform daily responsibilities. Loveplay time is a mini vacation without needing to leave home. This scheduled time makes for an intimate companionship when the couple lets down their emotional walls down, not just their clothes.

When you were dating you planned it. Meeting for fun was not spontaneous. Maybe lack of planning even hurt your feelings. Predictability builds trust. Anticipation allows for mental and emotional preparation. Planning allow for each to be fully available to the other. Eliminate distractions (finish up household tasks, make sure the phone is turned off, etc.), think of past times together, and begin to focus on enjoying your mate.

Many couples stop showing affection to one another. This has less to do with lack of warm feelings and more to do with fear that any physical affection must lead to intercourse. Planning allows for more connection between lovemaking sessions. This does not mean that a couple can never have spontaneous sex or a 'quickie.' It simply removes pressure. Furthermore, a scheduled lovemaking session does not require intercourse. However, it does encourage physical pleasuring.

How can I be a good lover?
Sex is perfectly natural, yet sex is not naturally perfect. Few people have had formal education regarding one of the most precious and important aspects of our lives- our sexuality. We tend to "learn" through trial and error how to be a good lover and many have a higher percentage of error. Too often women think that the man knows all about sex and feels something is wrong if her body does not respond to his touch. He, too, may believe this myth and think that he is a failure if he asks what she likes. We are not taught to talk about sex with our spouse. We can make jokes or share with same sex best friends (usually complaining). The media gives a poor model of the reality of sex.

Sex is not natural like eating or sleeping; it is more like learning to play an instrument or a sport. Learn a few techniques; communicate the play with your teammate and practice, practice and more practice. By the way, practices for music or sports are usually scheduled.

A good lover becomes a student of one's mate. Observe your mate's responses; no book can teach you that. Be a lifelong student of your partner's preferences. School is constantly in session because our preferences change, especially a woman's. Also know your own body, tune into your own sexuality and be willing to share what you know with your mate. Thirdly, a good lover seeks some technical knowledge of sexuality. Wives tell me that they wish their husband's "would take them." Husbands share that they want to be sensually seduced. "The husband knows how to orchestrate his wife's responses to produce exciting, sexual music together."

Why do I lack desire (female)?
One huge dilemma to answer this question is that there is no agreed-upon definition of sexual desire. Some view it as thoughts or fantasies of sexual behavior. There may be an inner urge (emotional) to move toward one's partner. Others equate desire with a 'sense of hunger.' This definition tends to be unisex and does not capture the essence of female desire. This definition has become to be viewed as Primary or Assertive Desire and more frequently how males describe desire.

In recent years, researchers have learned that women do not tend have a physiological "hunger" for sex as men do (at least as frequently). Women do not think about sex nearly as frequently as men. However, if a husband suggests sexual activity in a way that is appealing to his wife, she may be receptive to him despite not having thought about sex all day or week. This definition is viewed as Secondary or Receptive Desire. Therefore, if a wife shows little interest yet gets involved and enjoys sexual activity, it would not be considered a Desire problem. However, wives are encouraged to purposefully initiate sex.

That said there are many factors that can block desire. Birth control pills have shown to lower desire in some women and they can benefit from changing brands or methods of birth control. Other medications (antidepressants, etc.) can also negatively influence desire and arousal. Probably the most common roadblock of desire for women is fatigue (physical or emotional). Some women tell me that they have been "touched", "pulled on", or "pawed" all day long by small children. The last thing they want is one more person touching them. Sex may become routine or boring. Variety is needed. Women need romance - to know that they are thought of during the day (a phone call, flowers, etc.) Some women have had traumatic sexual experiences in the past. Women are also vulnerable to negative body image and a lack of relational connection. It is always wise to consult your physician to see if there may be a medical cause such as thyroid dysfunction or hormone imbalance.

Why do I lack desire (male)?
First read about the definition of desire in question #4. Men are more likely to exhibit Primary Desire and therefore may be viewed as lacking desire if they exhibit Secondary Desire. Testosterone is the hormone of desire for both men and women. A physical checkup is an excellent place to start.

In today's culture men are more vulnerable to fatigue and emotional stressors than in the past. Some men lack desire because they fear they are sexually inadequate or don't 'measure up' inside or outside the bedroom. Men may have gotten into a habit of masturbating and prefer self stimulation more than partner sex. Engaging with one's partner also involves an emotional vulnerability that a man may view as "being weak" or he has never learned the capacity to intimacy due to childhood training or even trauma.

Once the couple discusses the discrepancy in desire, they can begin to explore how to proceed. It may be that sex has become routine or boring and that the couple needs to add variety. Hormone treatment or simply some sexual education about the sexual response cycle can positively influence desire. Psychotherapy may prove useful if the husband is experiencing depression or anxiety or childhood issues.

My wife used to be easily aroused; now she is not. Is something wrong?
If you haven't figured out by now that women are very complex creatures, you haven't been married long. What works one time does not work the next. In addition, women are frequently taught to ignore or at least not admit their sexual feelings. Some women seem totally unaware of their body's sexual responses. Other may mislabel arousal as either neutral or uncomfortable. One woman interpreted her nipple erection as a sign that she was cold rather than aroused (despite the 83 degree summer weather).

When a woman becomes sexually aroused, her heart beats faster and she breathes more quickly. Often, she'll tighten various muscles all over her body. Breasts usually enlarge somewhat and nipples tend to stand out. Some women flush red on their face, neck, and chest. The visible part of the clitoris also swells slightly. At the vagina, secretions occur inside and at the opening. Her labia flatten out and open up somewhat. The vagina lengthens and widens internally, changing what was a potential space into more of an actual space. These vaginal changes are mainly due to a rush of blood to the pelvic area -- called engorgement - that provides a generally pleasurable warmth in a female's genital area. As her arousal climbs, engorgement increases and most of the changes mentioned above become more pronounced.

There can be physical causes or emotional issues that interfere with arousal. Physical cause might range from inflammation of the vaginal area to diabetes. Stress, fatigue and anxiety can inhibit the body's response to sexual stimulation. Arousal disorder is usually treated with coaching a woman to become more aware of her sexual sensations. Sometimes hormone treatment (testosterone or estrogen) helps. Other agents may be used to increase blood flow to the genitals.

How do I know if I have experienced orgasm?
This is relatively easy for men to answer. For men, the most common indication of orgasm is ejaculation. Yet orgasm can be experienced as an overall feeling of emotional or physical euphoria. Both men and women report orgasm to be a wide range of sensations from pelvic spasms, loss of self (control), to a mellow glow. For women, the orgasm itself begins with strong muscle contractions that are felt primarily in the outer third of the vagina (the part of the internal space that's closest to the outside of the body). These contractions can be over within four seconds or last up to about 15 seconds. They tend to occur at intervals of 0.8 seconds. Also, the inner two-thirds of the vagina usually open up even more and the uterus contracts as well. Muscles may keep contracting, and blood pressure, heart rate, and respiratory rate go higher still. Some people make sounds reflecting the pleasure they are experiencing. Many people mention a sensation of tingling in the spine, brain, and genital areas.

Sometimes one can be aroused by sexual stimulation but are unable to cross the threshold to orgasm. This tends to be more common among women than for men. It should be noted that most women cannot reach orgasm through intercourse alone and need to have 15 to 20 minutes of direct clitoral stimulation (after 20-30 minutes of full body caressing). Antidepressants and other medications may contribute to the problem. Causes of anorgasmia include: relationship issues, inadequate foreplay, lack of knowledge of genital function and anatomy or premature ejaculation. Some women may fear losing control, abandoning themselves to a partner or finding pleasure in a sexual experience.

What is premature ejaculation? Can anything be done?
"PE is experienced if the man does not have voluntary or conscious control to choose in most encounters when to ejaculate." Some prefer the term that he prefers the term "involuntary ejaculation." About one third of all men have experienced involuntary ejaculation sometime during the previous year. PE was not considered a problem until the sexual revolution of the 1960's. Even the Kinsey Report did not consider ejaculating within two minutes after entering their partner. It was not until the view of sexuality moved from a focus on procreation to a way to share erotic intimacy. With this attitude shift, women were allowed to enjoy physical pleasure and the duration of lovemaking became an issue.

PE may be lifelong or it may be acquired. Some men are born with greater sensitivity to sensual stimulation, but it can be a learned behavior. As adolescent boys are first experimenting, they are frequently afraid of being discovered and the goal of masturbation is to attain orgasm quickly. This nonrelational approach can be carried into marriage and lovemaking. Other possible causes of PE include: emotional tensions, physical illness or injury, drug side effect, performance anxiety, or a lack of learning control.

There are things that can be done to enable a couple to enjoy a great sex life. It is wise to have a good physical. Women are used to annual medical exams, but many men do not even have a primary care physician. It can be comforting to know that there is not a physical problem. For the most part treatment involves learning more about the sexual response cycle, bodily functions, and enjoying the sensations of pleasuring. The husband needs to shift his focus away from ejaculation onto pleasure. He needs to savor the sensations of touch and arousal rather than being anxious about or eager for release. Also, he must allow himself to be passive and "soak in" pleasure rather than actively pursuing arousal and release. Ejaculation is controlled by the active branch of the involuntary nervous system, so passivity helps delay that automatic active response. Additionally the man needs to increase his awareness of the sensations of arousal building so that he can identify, on a scale of zero (no arousal) to ten (orgasm), the level of arousal that he is experiencing. Typically when a man reaches 7 on this scale, ejaculation is imminent. He and his wife must reduce sensations before he reaches this level if he is to have more control to wait to ejaculate.

What is delayed ejaculation? Can anything be done?
Like premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation is defined "when a man does not have voluntary or conscious control to choose in most encounters when to ejaculate." In this case, the man cannot ejaculate as quickly as he might like. Most men with this issue can ejaculate during masturbation, but have trouble with a partner. Some can ejaculate with their mate but only under specific conditions. Other men experience ejaculation without the pleasure of orgasm, while others experience the pleasure of climax without releasing semen. Research suggests that about ten percent of men have difficulty ejaculating.

Causes of delayed ejaculation include: stress, drug side effect, performance anxiety, routine (boring) sex, focusing too much on his wife's pleasure and neglecting his own sensations, or emotional scars from trauma or negative family teachings. Sometimes a wife's vagina feels too loose or too lubricated to give sufficient friction. Delayed ejaculation can also be the result of excessive masturbation and/or pornography. Partner sex cannot live up to the expectations developed when one engages in these other solo behaviors.

There is treatment. Medical intervention may reduce or change certain medications. Kegel exercises (for both the husband and wife) strengthen the pelvic floor muscles. If you are masturbating, stop. Allow the sensations of pleasure-focused foreplay and the penis in the vagina to increase arousal and be erotic. Be playful and enjoy the journey of exploring one another's body rather than focus on orgasm.

It hurts when I have sex. Is that normal?
Unfortunately pain associated with sex is more common than people realized, however, it should not be viewed as acceptable or normal. Women have a tendency to not discuss this with their doctor because they have been taught that sex is unpleasant or that it is painful (that it is normal). It is necessary to tell your physician and get relief. Pain is a sure way to kill desire and arousal.

Some women have generalized skin pain around the vaginal area (vulvar) and discomfort, including pain and/or itching, stinging, parchedness, drying, swelling, and drawing sensations all over the vulvar skin, or only certain parts of it. This may include pain or discomfort on touching or pulling pubic hair. Some women report experiencing pain deep inside the vaginal area.

Still other women experience vaginal muscle spasms when attempting intercourse. Vaginismus is an involuntary contraction of the muscles surrounding the entrance to the vagina, making penetration impossible and/or painful. Because of the severity of the pain most of these women are not able to use tampons. Generally, when the attempt to put something in the vagina has ended, the muscles relax and return to normal. The severity of vaginismus varies from woman to woman.

There is help for this condition. Contact your gynecologist for a physical examinination, but let your doctor know how painful it is for you. Your doctor can help you define the pain and its location. There are medical and hormone treatments. Also, contact a sex therapist to assist in education for you and your partner and guide you through relaxation training. There may be past traumas to deal with and/or current relationship tension.

www.vulvarpainfoundation.org

www.vaginismus.com

Are there any sexual practices that are biblically not okay?
Yes. God forbids sex with animals and dead people. He also prohibits engaging in premarital, extramarital, or group sex, both actually and mentally.

The challenge for most people is to not mentally engage in these behaviors. Our culture and the media make this even more of a temptation. One must develop self discipline without repressing one's sexuality. Repressed sexuality can lead to sexual dysfunction in marriage.

What are acceptable sexual practices according to the Bible?
Erotic sexual celebration in a one woman-one man covenant marriage is acceptable. A routine sex life is not of God's design. The goal for sexual intimacy is for rejoicing, satisfying and rejuvenating one another. He created us with imaginations and with a need for variety. We are to experience freedom with and abandonment to one another based on love, trust and commitment. God wants to reveal Himself and his intimate heart and the value that he places on relationships through the awesome metaphor of sexual pleasuring within marriage. Song of Solomon shares a great love story.

When the Bible doesn't give specific instructions about lovemaking activities, we look for scriptural principles. The principle that the husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her encourages the husband to accommodate the wife's feelings. I Cor 7: 3-5 "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband." This reference encourages the wife to accommodate the husband's feelings. Scriptural principles teach us about giving our bodies to each other for enjoyment, not about demanding our spouse's body. Submitting to one another, one may set aside personal desires for the good of the other or for the good of the relationship. Yet couples should not engage in behaviors that are not mutually satisfying.

No couple has equal levels of desire (or libido). Frequency must be discussed and negotiated. Each partner needs to be comfortable with a gentle 'no.' One cannot know a 'true yes' without the ability to say no. Gentle refusals can be softened with a suggestion of a future time.

What about oral sex?
Often oral sex causes conflict for couples. Some cultures reject such practices; others promote them. The decision to engage in this personal and highly controversial sexual behavior ultimately can be resolved only between you and your mate. Sometimes wives think that oral sex means that her husband will ejaculate in her mouth. Yet this is not necessarily the case. Be clear about the exact sexual activities that the two of you are discussing. Some sample questions might include: "What specifically is my (my mate's) definition of oral sex?" "Do I (does my mate) consider this behavior to be loving?" "Is it mutually satisfying?" "Is this a gift that I wish to give my mate and therefore I want to stretch myself to see if I can grow comfortable with it or discover that in fact it is enjoyable?

Some people are concerned about 'practical' issues ? "Is it dirty?" The penis and vagina are clean and free of disease producing microorganisms. However, the anus is contaminated with disease-producing microorganisms in both men and women. If the genital area is contaminated from the anal area, the genitals are "dirty." But when freshly washed and free of infection, the genital areas of both men and women are clean and oral sex is a physically safe practice. However, if you or your mate grew up thinking that oral-genital stimulation simply isn't natural or "yuck," respect those feelings.

The Bible does not deal directly with oral sex. Christians and non-Christians will disagree about whether these behaviors are productive or counterproductive in lovemaking. Lacking specific biblical direction, you and your mate must discuss and make a mutual decision that will honor your covenant marriage. Look for other scriptural principles. For example, the principle that the husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her reinforces the wife's desire for her husband to accommodate her feelings. On the other hand, the principle that we are to give our bodies to each other for our spouse's enjoyment would encourage the wife to examine and stretch her own inhibitions (I Cor. 7:3-5) for her husband's enjoyment.

In the Song of Solomon, the lover continually refers to enjoying the delights of his wife's body--and she is equally enthusiastic about his. The lovers refer to tasting, eating and drinking of each other's body. Song of Solomon 4:4, 16 "Let my lover come to his garden and taste its choice fruit." Prov 5: 18, 19 ".. .rejoice [Hebrew word for "playing" and "laughing"] in the wife of your youth. .. .may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love." Scripture seems to imply oral sex and other mutual sensual physical enjoyment.

If you feel violated by oral sex, do not engage in it. Even though your mate may be disappointed, it does not violate your mate to abstain from that pleasure. The sexual acts between a husband and wife are to be mutually enjoyable for both and never a violation of either. Do not pressure your mate to do something that would make them feel exploited. Sex is about giving and creating intimacy. It is not about demands.

Is masturbation acceptable?
The Bible does not deal directly with masturbation. Christians and non-Christians will disagree about whether these behaviors are productive or counterproductive in lovemaking. Lacking specific biblical direction, ask yourself and your mate questions, such as, "Is the behavior loving?" "Is this behavior mutually satisfying?" "Is the behavior obsessive?" Some cultures reject such practices; others promote them.

If the only purpose of sex were orgasm, people would masturbate and not engage in relationship or intercourse. Masturbation is easier, more predictable, and more within your control than couple sexuality. One does not have to worry about body image or acceptable techniques as judged by a mate. Sex was designed to be mutual pleasuring and an emotional and spiritual connection. Masturbation is not a way to grow in relationship. Although, masturbation can be helpful in learning about your own body in order to teach your mate.

Most biblical teaching has been based on the story of Onan, the son of Judah, who was obligated to produce an offspring for his deceased brother's wife. But "Onan knew that the offspring would not be his, so it came about that when he came to his brother's wife, he wasted his seed on the ground, in order not to give off-spring to his brother" (Gen. 38:9). Onan's behavior displeased God because he was not obedient to God?s command. Similar passages have been construed to teach that masturbation is condemned by Scripture, but all of those are dependent on the reader's interpretation. There is no direct teaching against or for masturbation.

What about anal sex?
Anal sex frequently causes conflict for couples. Some states have laws against anal intercourse, but to my knowledge no married person has ever been prosecuted. Many sexual experts and medical personnel discourage anal sex because of the danger of transmission of infection and tearing of the blood vessels in the rectum.

The decision to engage in this personal and highly controversial sexual behavior ultimately can be resolved only between you and your mate. It is important to choose based upon the preferences and/or conscience of the partner with the misgivings. It can be a difficult discussion and decision given that the Bible does not address it directly and God placed the nerve endings. Physiologically it is known that the general placement of nerve endings (which are densely concentrated around the anus) would indicate that anal sex could potentially bring a high degree of pleasure. Yet most women have engaged in anal sex because they been encouraged or pressured by their partner.

Although it does not seem to be a sin between consenting married partners, there are practical matters to consider. Couples should be aware that it can be painful (the anus is not as flexible as the vagina) and there is potential for damage to the sphincter. Cleanliness is essential since the anus is a highly contaminated passageway for disease producing microorganisms. Even using a condom, there is not sure protection for the man against being infected especially when entering the tight muscle of the rectum. If the man enters the woman's vagina after having entered her rectum, her urinary and reproductive passageways are then contaminated. Chronic infections could develop for either party.

If you feel violated by anal sex, do not engage in it. Even though your mate may be disappointed, it does not violate your mate to abstain from that pleasure. The sexual acts between a husband and wife are to be mutually enjoyable for both and never a violation of either. Do not pressure your mate to something that would make them feel exploited. Sex is about giving and creating intimacy. It is not about demands.

Is it okay to use sexual toys?
Sometimes couples worry that props (ex. sexy lingerie, mirrors, vibrators, etc.) create artificial or sinfully seductive arousal & will detract from natural lovemaking. God gave us imaginations and romantic abilities for us to create & enjoy various means of enticing & playing with our spouses, & props can be the means to enhance experiences & sensations. The couple must explore together was is comfortable and within God's design for marital sexual pleasure. For example, "Is the focus on immediate physical gratification or is it mutually pleasuring and enhance intimacy?" God designed sexual pleasure to reveal Himself and His heart to us. Sex is three dimensional: body, soul and spirit. Sometimes couples can get caught up in the thrill of the physical experience and not devote time to developing the emotional and spiritual connection. Props should remain playfully in perspective and never become an obsessive fetish. Nor should props detract from your vulnerability and respect. They should never invite someone else into your bedroom, as pornography does. Using pillows, scented lotions, oils, satin gloves, perfumes or costumes may bring creative variety to an otherwise routine sex life. Vibrators can be a helpful tool to assist anorgasmic women to experience orgasm and then to learn to create the feeling with her mate. They can be useful during times when sexual arousal is difficult (hormones, medications, etc.). Vibrators could be playful prop to enhance playfulness and sensual enjoyment since women need 15-20 minutes of clitoral stimulation and a man may become tired. However, couples should use caution. Husbands cannot duplicate the sensation and one can allow oneself to become dependent upon a vibrator for physical pleasure (eliminating the emotional connection). This is especially true if a couple has not learned true sexual pleasure but have only had 'quickies'; vibrators could damage the sexual relationship more.

What about pornography?
Not if you wish to have a fulfilling sex life. As humans, we have the capacity to think, to verbalize and to have mental pictures or images. These mental images may include fantasies in which we picture sexual activities. It's not the fact that we have these images, but the content of these mental images that can cause us to violate God's standard for us. Fantasies need to be focused on pleasant memories or future (mutual) dreams with one's mate.

Christian and secular sex therapists/educators note that looking at idealized images of shapely women offering themselves in the most provocative ways changes how husbands see their wife. She'll seem less attractive, unable to compete with these pictures. Wives frequently tell me that regardless of their husband's interest in them, they feel that they cannot meet the expectation the pornographic images in their husband's memory.

Pornography degrades women and even casual viewing can change how a man thinks and feels about women. Pornography is the mechanism for immediate physical gratification and focuses on the 'buzz.' It is one dimensional sex which is not God's design for deepening relationship with another. It does not promote mutual playfulness and bonding with one's mate. These concepts also hold true for the increasing number of women that are viewing pornography now that it is so 'accessible', 'anonymous' and 'affordable' via the internet. These three 'A's' has led to an alarming increase in sex addiction.

Pornography is stimulating and draws our attention, even if we do not want it to. That is why there are so many intrusive emails received inviting you to look and make money for the producers. Promoters of pornography are interested in their own pocketbooks, not in your sexual fulfillment. You may not be able to orgasm with your mate due to fantasy or relying on the habit of how you stimulate yourself. For both men and women, it tends to lead to difficulty in arousal and orgasm (premature or delayed).